Hopelessness, Fear and a Wedding Date.

What have I learned so far in planning my wedding?

Hopelessness sets in fast and fear is hand in hand.

Dresses. I went to three dress shops. The first one I liked two dresses a lot. The second one I liked one dress overall. The third shop I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. Diddly squat. That’s when it came. Fear. My thoughts went instantly to never finding a dress, settling on an ugly dress, regretting my decision and on and on it went.  Wait. Didn’t I already find one dress that trumped all other dresses and that I couldn’t get out of my mind when I tried others on? Yes I did. So I picked it.

Venues. I’ve emailed and looked and searched for a venue that can accommodate and best fit what Will and I have in mind. What have I found? Booked. They’re all booked. Oh gosh. We’re never going to find a place and if we do it’s going to be $50,739. Lord have mercy, let’s elope! Wait. Didn’t one place say to email back in a few days because cancellation happen? Aren’t there plenty more places I haven’t heard back from? Aren’t there places I haven’t contacted yet? Yes there are. So I’ll continue to look.

Details. Colors. Food. Music. Housing for out of town guests. Style. Decorations. How do I do this? Is this possible? Can I make this all happen? Where will the money come from? Who will help? Now my inner self is in the fetal position, crying and blubbering about flowers and tablecloths.

Then I look down at my ring. It’s beautiful. More than anything I had hoped for. And I think about who I’m marrying. He’s wonderful, much more than anyone I had dreamed of.

 It’s not about what I can do or what I can plan. Sure, there’s hard work involved but if the birds have food and a home won’t I, a daughter, have a wedding that works? Won’t I have a wedding that at the end of the day I’ll be able to look back and be amazed at how God pieced it together? If I allow him to do so, then yes.

So I’ll allow God to be my planner, provider, and all around hope for my wedding, my future, and for my life. It’s not hopeless. It’s never hopeless. And fear? Well, that’ll be something I have to kick to the curb because there’s a wedding to plan and I won’t let anything stand in my way.

Betsie ten Boom

“And I saw it all, still I chose the cross” – Out of Hiding, song by Steffany Gretzinger

Yes, yes, it’s a great song, but I don’t want it stuck in my head at the moment; I just want to read.

I had been reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and I couldn't put it down. (If you plan on reading this book there are some spoilers on the way, just a heads up!)

“And I saw it all, still I chose the cross”

There it was again, a line from a song that I listened to the previous night. It kept playing in my head over and over again as I read about Corrie’s life in the concentration camp during World War II. At this point in the book I was in awe of Betsie, Corrie’s sister who went to the camps with her. The way she lived and loved and extended grace was so much like Jesus it floored me. How could someone live that way with such unthinkable hatred and cruelty around her?

Then she died.

No. Betsie couldn’t die. She had to survive! She had to make it out alive! There was so much God was speaking to her. They killed her. They did.

          “And I saw it all, still I chose the cross”

No. Corrie had to just stand watch as her sister, her kind, gentle sister died. She didn't deserve it! They killed Betsie, they left Corrie alone! They did, they did, they…

I died for Hitler.

The still small voice that whispered to Betsie in the concentration camp whispered to me in my living room.

“And I saw it all, still I chose the cross”

That’s when the tears really started rolling. I listen to all these sweet songs about how Jesus loves me and died for me and I decided at some point along the way that Jesus didn't die for the really bad people. (Yeah... It doesn’t make sense, I know.) What Hitler did was evil; he allowed evil to triumph over millions. But Jesus still died for him, he told me so. He loved him and hoped for him and longed for him to come close. Just like he does for you, just like he does for me. Just like he did for Betsie ten Boom.

What used to be lined with barracks for prisons  is now a vacant piece of land of the Ravensbruck concentration camp, the camp that Bestie Ten Boom died at. I had the opportunity to walk the paths of Ravensbruck and go through the memorials; it's a day I'll never forget.

Like the lyrics? Click here to check out Staffany Gretzinger's album, The Undoing.

The Big Picture

When we see the whole story of the cross we can truly be grateful.

When we look at it one sided we miss out. One side is just sin; dark, depressing, filthy sin. Then when you look at the other side all you see is Jesus. Yay Jesus! And he really is great, don’t get me wrong.

But when you pull back to see the whole thing, you see a gruesome picture of your sin and Jesus in an earth shattering collision. You see “Yay Jesus” taking on all of your dark and filthy sins. Then you realize just how dirty your sins show up on white.

When you turn the page you see only darkness. You can’t wrap your mind around it. Your heart starts to drop and you find yourself on your knees. How could this be? I thought he was our hope… but now he’s gone. The realization that your sin has consequences and that someone else had to pay for them just doesn't make sense. It’s a realization that weighs too heavy on your shoulders to stand again.

          But the next page turns itself.

You’re no longer looking at your sin, but Jesus. He’s different. If possible, he’s more pure, even lovelier than before. He's more powerful, majestic and bearing new scars. And while you’re bawling like a big baby he leans down and tips your chin to meet his eyes. He takes your trembling, clean hands into his pierced ones and says,  "My child, it is finished.”

Hallelujah, what a Savior!  

A Journal Entry.

Why do you love me, Molly?

          Why do I love you Lord?

Because you saved me.

You remade me, rescued me all the while delighting in me. 

Because you defy the odds of society. 

I love you because you don't force me.
          You're gentle and humble and whisper and tickle.
You give my life warmth and something to hold onto when I'm freezing cold.
You love me and hold me and call me your own. 

                       Why do I love you?

                   Because you first loved me.

Because you died for me, cried for me and continue to provide for me.
You comfort me and let me weep,  you let me mourn and sing,  let me dance and swing.
           You send me on adventures I could never have planned.
            You give me gifts and never expect anything back.

              You say promise after promise that never ever lack.
I love you because you created life.

Life in abundance, you breathe art and hope and stars. 

I love you because You Are.

                                       I love you because you first loved me